In this week’s podcast, I sat down with my Canadian bestie to speak about friendships. We met each other when we were both living in Sydney, Australia. This was a period of my life where I packed up my life and moved to a country where I didn’t know anyone or anything. As I was in my late 20s, I was a bit worried about having to meet new people and forge new friendships.
So let me tell you a bit about Australia and the people. This was just my own personal experience and may not be true for everyone, but I found Australians to be generally clicky. I’ve met my share of Australians before I even moved there and I thought they were a social bunch who are open to meeting new people. I was in for quite a shock once I arrived in Sydney and experienced the complete opposite. It was hard and discouraging especially if I stumbled across a friendship group who was quite content with the friends they’ve grown up with. Needless to say, I didn’t make friends with many Aussies when I was there (maybe 1 at best). But as for other expats in Australia, they were easier to form relationships with.
Growing up, I’ve always struggled with friendships. I didn’t get invited out much and if I did, it wasn’t with the “cool” kids. In my 20s, I was mostly in a relationship so a lot of my time was spent with my boyfriend. Friendships were not my top priority although it was something I craved. Unfortunately, I didn’t put myself in the best positions to really cultivate those relationships so I was often left behind. Not to say I didn’t have friends. I had plenty of friends, but for them, I wasn’t always top of mind when it came to getting invited out for things. I was more of an afterthought. But I did have a few who remembered me and did invite me out, but as I mentioned before, I kept to my relationship most of the time.
Author Erin Henry shares a statement, “you have to do the thing to be the thing.” Part of my reason for not cultivating deeper friendships is due to my fear of abandonment. Why get close to people if one day they will just leave. Unfortunately, it was in my head. If a friend ever pulled away even in the slightest, I’d start to distance myself, either to be a loner or find another temporary best friend. It wasn’t until later on in life that I really was able to recognize what I was doing. Going back to the statement, there is truth. In order to have close friendships, you have to do what’s necessary to build that connection. You have to be honest and open and trust that those special few who you choose and who also choose to stand with you, won’t do anything intentionally spiteful to hurt you or break your heart. Like any relationships, great friendships are hard to find, but worth it in the end.
The key to a long and prosperous life is close relationships with others. Having close friends means you don’t have to go through life alone. This also means valuing quality over quantity. So what are some ways to make friends when you’re an adult?
- Don’t be afraid to go out alone I know what you’re thinking. I’m talking about ways to make friends and here I am now telling you to go out alone?! Trust me, it’s one of the best ways to meet people. One time, I really wanted to go to a concert to see one of my favorite singers, Banks. At the time, none of my other friends knew who she was so they were not interested in spending money on a musician they knew nothing about. And my other friends who did know who she was were busy. Most people would miss out and not go, but I don’t function that way. So I bought a ticket and I went. Yes, at first it was a bit awkward just standing there by myself, but lo and behold, I spotted her across the room. Another girl, standing there, by herself. I waited a few minutes to see if her friends would join her, but no one ever came. So I approached her. We got to chatting and guess what? We hung out that night, had an amazing time, and ended up hanging out a few more times that summer in New York before she went back to England. And we’re still friends to this day! If I didn’t take the chance to go to that concert by myself, I would never have met her.
I’ve even been in the reverse situation where I’ve been out with my friends and if I’ve seen someone by themselves, I always make the effort of going up to them and saying hi and seeing if they want to hang with us. The least they do is say no and I go back to being with my friends.
You need to take the risk and be open to rejection. Remember it’s not a loss to your life if they say no, but definitely a gain if they say yes!
- Invite someone over to dinner Have you ever had a time where you’re out with friends and you meet someone new that is a friend of a friend? Or what if you’re at work and someone piques your interest? What’s to stop you and say, “Hey, you seem pretty cool, we should grab dinner or come over to mine for dinner.” I know, it’s starting to sound like you’re asking them on a date, but technically that’s what it is without the romanticness of it all.
I remember once when I started a new job, someone at the company came up to me and asked if I wanted to grab happy hour drinks at the bar across the street after work. I was more than happy to oblige. We ended up heading out after work and had an amazing time. And today we’re still besties! I’m not going to lie, the alcohol did make it easier for us to get to know each other, but even if you don’t drink, don’t let that stop you. If you’re meant to be friends, you will be friends.
- Attend Networking Events My favorite is meetup.com. Basically, I find the things I’m interested in and attend events. I’ve even done international trips and have met some amazing people that I still call friends today. I love this because meetup is all about networking and forming connections so everyone has more or less the same intentions as you. And don’t just limit it to Meetup alone. Another great one is Airbnb experiences, but you’re going to have to pay for that one. It’s great if you’re like me and enjoy solo travel. It’s a great way to meet people while sightseeing or partaking in an activity. If neither of those work for you, definitely look up any other networking groups in your area.
- Join a Group/Club/Organization Similar to 3, you can make this a more recurring thing by joining a group that is aligned with your interest. Check your local community boards to see if there are any groups you can join. Or better yet, start your own. If you like reading and there are no local book clubs, start your own. Share it on your social network for people to join and find a space to host it. Or maybe you enjoy cooking. If your home is big enough to host 4 or 5 people, host a cooking club. Every week, you can alternate with other members of the group at their house to get the fire going and cook up a storm! It can be anything you want!
- Playdates! This is for the mommies (of the human and non-human kind). I was actually having a conversation with my friend about this yesterday. She just got a dog and she said because of him, she’s been meeting a lot more people. Puppies are friendship magnets! I for one, am obsessed with dogs so I automatically gravitate to them when I’m walking down the street. I ask the owner if I can pet them and we get into a conversation. Who knows, maybe they might live in your building or go to the same gym as you. You just might hit on some commonalities to form a friendship. But again, you won’t know unless you try. And if you both have a dog, why not set up a doggie playdate?!
Same goes for parents. You can meet other mothers at your child’s daycare or school and set up playdates for your kids which in turn will be a nice quality time for the mothers to catch up and get to know each other. I think it’s so cute when mothers become close friends and their kids also become friends and grow up together!
- Online Yes, friendships don’t just form in person. You can meet people online. I’ve had friends that have joined Facebook groups and have connected with someone in the group based on similar interests and they’ve become friends out of that. You can even try out apps like BumbleBFF where you can meet girlfriends!
There is honestly no shortage of ways in which you can go out and make new friends, even as you grow older. Whether you’re in your 20s or 50s, people crave relationships and connections at any age. It’s just a matter of being open to the people you can and will meet. And when you do meet someone that you’re vibing with, don’t forget to:
- Make eye contact and smile
- Ask questions: show them that you’re interested in getting to know them better
- Compliment them: I mean, who doesn’t like a compliment. But don’t compliment for compliment’s sake. If you truly like something about that person or something they’re wearing, don’t hold back. If there is nothing, then politely say nothing and keep the conversation going about other interests.
Lastly, if you do find someone or multiple someones that you’re vibing with and would like to continuing enriching the relationship, host some friendship events such as:
Wine nights
Book club
Annual friends trip
Coffee/Lunch/Dinner dates
Concert dates
Holiday traditions (Friendsgiving anyone?!)
Exercise (workout dates)
And so I leave you with a quote by G. Randolf. “Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave and impossible to forget.”
If you’re looking to form new connections and make more friends, I’ve set up a telegram group for just that!
As always, if you need to talk, feel free to leave a comment here, drop me a DM, or head to the Facebook group. And tune into the podcast to listen to more conversations!
Lots of love xx