Never Belittle Your Own Pain Out of Guilt for Someone Else’s

There is an ancient proverb that states, “I was unhappy about having no shoes until I met the man who had no feet.” In moments like these we often compare our pain to others, and in turn, belittle our own pain. But the thing is, hurt is hurt. We all have problems. Some are worse than others, but we all have them and we all have a right to be upset in our own right. 

Yet as humans, we constantly compare our own hurt, our own pain, our grief to others. I had this very conversation with a friend this week. She was talking about her son and some of the problems she and her husband were facing with their son’s diagnosis. While she remains positive, there is one thing that really stuck out to me. The fact that she felt guilty for feeling any sort of hurt within her own life. In fact, she kept saying, “oh, that’s nothing compared to what is happening to black people in America, or police brutality, or #blacklivesmatter.” While that’s well and good, in my head I was thinking, you’re still going through your own battle and I’m sure you’re going through more than I can ever comprehend.

What we need to understand is, unless we go through the same things as each other, we’ll never understand each other’s pain. My pain and her pain are completely different, but one thing we must both realize, we both feel it wholefully. What she feels for her son, I will never fully get, but I’d never assume my pain is worse. What I have to go through being a black woman, maneuvering through this world, she’ll never fully understand, but don’t assume that’s worse either. Our feelings are unique to our own individual selves.  

I remember when I was younger or even a few years ago when I’d get sick with a cold, for me it is the most uncomfortable thing ever. I’d feel congested to the point where I couldn’t get a sliver of air through my nostrils. For me, that’s the most uncomfortable thing ever. But sometimes when I’d see other people get sick with a cold, it didn’t look that bad to me. In fact, I’d think, “wow, how can they close their mouth. That means they could breathe through their nostrils.” I actually used to get jealous of other people’s colds. In times where I felt I could barely function, other people were out there in the world with their cold, functioning. I always thought well, I have it worst. In fact, once I remember telling my boyfriend at the time, how bad I felt. I remember the frustration in his voice when he turned to me and said, “you’re making it sound like your sickness is worse than anyone else’s.” I instantly went into defensive mode and my shell. I felt sick and then I felt bad for feeling sick then thinking it’s all in my head and I’m making a big unnecessary deal of how I was feeling because everyone gets colds and how dare I think mine is worse. 

I never forgot that moment. It’s interesting, the things we remember in life. So when my friend feels guilty about how she’s feeling, I have to remember, we all cope differently. As with myself, I never want anyone to feel guilty for any pain or discomfort they feel at any given moment. Here’s a better example. Imagine someone who is battling depression. To someone who doesn’t live with depression and has no understanding of how deep-rooted that runs, they often respond with something like, “don’t be sad, you have a good life or you have no reason to be depressed.” That person will never understand your pain. They’re comparing your depression to times in their lives when they’ve been sad about something. It is in no way shape or form the same thing. And then you have someone who is depressed, feeling worse based on what “clueless” person said to them. 

Grief and pain is experienced at 100%. There are no exceptions. No one can say their grief is bigger or smaller than yours, or that their situation was better (or worse) than yours. When you look at it that way, you can see how dangerous and wrong comparison is. When we compare our pain, it automatically robs dignity from the person who’s made to feel as if their loss isn’t as big, for whatever reason. It also negates the basic truth that all grief is experienced at 100%.

“Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggle of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing results affect all of us.” 

How we deal and process things are unique to us. How we feel is unique to our own individual self. Before you think to compare if what you’re dealing with is “better” or “worse” to someone else, stop and reflect. Deal with your pain, grief, problems, whatever it is, the way you know how. Don’t worry about how someone else is feeling. They too should be doing the same. 

As always, if you need to talk, feel free to leave a comment here, drop me a DM, or head to the Facebook group. And tune into the podcast to listen to more conversations!

Lots of love xx