Think about it. It was just 53 years ago that the US Supreme court ruled that laws banning interracial marriages violate the Equal Protection and Due Process Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment to the US Consitution. Basically, this ended Virginia’s anti-miscegenation law and all race based legal restrictions on marriage in the United States. JUST 53 YEARS AGO!
Loving Day is an annual celebration on June 12th signifying the anniversary of the Supreme Court’s decision on Loving vs Virginia. It’s known as the biggest multiracial celebration in the United States. While we’ve come a long way in these 53 years, we still have quite a way to go as interracial couples today still face an onslought of racism and stereotypes.
So what’s it like being in a interracial relationship? Most of my relationships have been interracial. As a Black woman, I’ve found myself dating White men, but not for the fact that I actively seeking out White men. I sat down with two of my Black girlfriends (who are also in interracial relationships) and we discussed our different dating patterns, the frustrations we face with men in general (of all races) and did some self-reflection as to why we are drawn to a certain type of man. Short answer, it’s not the skin tone, but the person, the interest, the personality that we gravitate towards.
Huffington Post did an article on 8 questions that interracial couples are tired of hearing and I wanted to address them based on my own experience and the conversation I had with my friends. Before I get into it, let’s get something clear; these questions are all racist. Although they might seem innocent, there is a darker, cultural implication to being an interracial couple.
1. How does your family feel about your partner’s race?
I’ve been lucky to have a pretty open and progressive Caribbean family. They’ve thus far been very accepting of the men I’ve dated throughout my life and have always had a hospitable nature to them. Not once did I feel uncomfortable or highly judged when being around my family with my partner. However, I know not everyone can be this fortunate. I have friends who have dated men and have either lost “respect” from their own family or have not been accepted by their partner’s family because of their race. People have been disowned from their families because of this.
I can honestly say I don’t understand it and I don’t choose to understand such an action where you can no longer tolerate your own flesh and blood because they chose the path of acceptance, love and happiness. Yes, I’m sure they can find someone within their own race to date, but at what cost. We don’t get to choose the person we love. We choose whether we stay with that person or not, but love is something far greater than the human mind can comprehend. To be an outside entity in someone else’s relationship and to make them or their partner feel unworthy for who they love is callous. What benefits do you get out of being the destroyer of love especially if you’re a parent.
If your family is prejudiced towards your partner, it has more to do with that family member than it has to do with you and your relationship.
2. Aren’t you worried about the stereotypes that come along with dating (insert race of your partner)?
The short answer is no.
Many stereotypes are misplaced due to stigmatization. Stigma is caused by lack of education, perception and awareness.
Let’s look a bit deeper here. As a black person, I am faced with certain stereotypes:
- Black people love and eat a lot of watermelon.
- Black people love fried chicken
- Black people are crack addicts and drug dealers
- Black women are angry and controlling
- Black people are more athletic than their White counterparts
- Black people are uneducated or not smart
- Oh, and let’s not forget the term, “strong black woman.” Although I’d love to factualize this and believe I’m not anything but, this term is harmful, dehumanizing and silencing to black women everywhere. It perpetuates the idea that it’s okay to mistreat black women because “we can handle it” and therefore our cries are silenced.
While I’d love to go through this list and debunk each stereotype, it’s not worth my time or energy to appease you. In fact, what is stated can ring true for any race. Unless I’m dating someone who is not compatible or whose values do not align with mine and is harmful to me and my energy, what does matter. Can you imagine? “I’m sorry, I can’t date a black person because they love fried chicken. I’m a grilled chicken kinda person. It just can’t work.” Side note, I’ve rolled my eyes and shook my head while writing the ridiculousness of that sentence. What a world we live in.
And I’ll be honest. I’ve heard things about other races that have turned me off. I’m not exempt from prejudices and I’m in no way judging people who have done the same. However, I will not ever deny someone the opportunity to date me if I feel like we make a good match. Not based on stereotypes, but based on that individual. My mantra in life is always to remain open and give someone a chance. Especially if they are genuine.
3. Wouldn’t it be easier to just date your own race?
To me, this is a loaded question. In some ways, yes, it could be easier. BUT, it’s a relationship and they’re all hard work. Dating any race including my own is going to be hard. You’re two completely different individuals trying to make a union work. And for me to think, I’ll only date black men is ignorant. I fully believe in the power of the universe and if I’m saying, “hey universe, send me the love of my life” and the universe is sending someone outside of my race, but I’ve already put it in my mind that I will only date black men, then I’ve done myself a disservice. I’ve blocked my chance at true love just to stay in the confines of my own skin color.
Who knows what I could be giving up. I could be giving up a partner that wants to live the same crazy, ridiculous life I’ve dreamed up for myself because let’s just say, I’m far from normal and I’d love someone who’s crazy matches my crazy no matter what race they are. And that’s never going to be easy if I limit my options.
4. Aren’t you worried that your children/future children will be bullied and face identity issues?
I’ve amended this question a bit to include the identity issues part. Especially if your child is half black and half white. They struggle to figure out themselves and where they fit in in the world. Thank you societal pressures. NOT.
Here’s the thing, while I can’t control the actions of other children and the treatment they will have on my child, I can control how I will be as a parent. Like I said in my previous statement, I’ve dreamed up a bit of a crazy life for myself, that includes how I plan to raise my kids and where I plan on raising my children.
I believe that once you have kids, most of the decision you make should be in their best interest and raising them in an environment that expands their thinking, all while promoting identity and self-love. I know, I make it sound so easy. I’m fully aware it’s not, but my goal in life will always be to prioritize my relationship with my partner and our children. The best things in life are hard work.
Short answer: Yes, any parent will worry if their kids are bullied. However, even if your child were of one race, there is still a chance they will be bullied. It’s your job as a parent, to help them and change the narrative.
5. Do you only date (insert ethnic group)?
No, I choose to date men that share the same interest and likes as me. Or at least men who are open to exploring some of the things I enjoy doing. Men who I’m compatible with and have similar values. Men who do not fetishize me because let’s be honest, that’s also a thing. Hopefully, it’s one of those red flags you can identify in your relationship before it becomes a bigger issue down the line.
6. Do you get frustrated not being able to express yourself in your own language?
Luckily, my main language is English.
And if I am dating someone that speaks another language, I love learning new languages so of course I’d learn. I appreciate my partner’s need to express themselves and to stay close to their culture. I don’t think that anyone should limit themselves because it makes their partner feel uncomfortable. If that is the case then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. To be in a committed union with someone means accepting them for every aspect of themselves.
It took me so long to figure this one out. I felt that in some ways I’ve dialed back my blackness to make my partner feel more at ease. Just to write this sounds stupid and naive. My culture is part of who I am. I shouldn’t mask it to be someone else based on what I think my partner would want. At the end of the day, someone chose me because of who I am. I’d hope from the beginning, I choose to show them all sides of me and they’ve accepted me in the same way I accept them.
Serious thought, wouldn’t it be more fun celebrating both your cultures. Think of all the amazing food you can have at get togethers! It’ll be like epcot in your house. I’m just saying. Also, getting to talk to people in multiple languages. This also holds true if you had two people of the same race, but different cultures dating.
7. Do people stare at you when you’re out?
Yes, because I’m beautiful! Duh!
Honestly, people stare at anything they don’t understand or things they’re not used to or things that are interesting. I’d like to think I’m the latter although I’m not keen on too much attention.
Whether I’m in an interracial relationship or not, I’m no stranger to stares. People stare at me when I travel especially “traveling while black in countries where there aren’t many black people.” Or people stare if I’m rocking big hair one day. Or people stare if I’m wearing a particular outfit. The moral of the story is you can’t control the staring. People will look regardless. If they act upon it and put you in harm, that’s a different story and I’ve not experienced that. I have, however, experienced words being thrown at me and my white partner, but I’ve been good about ignoring them. It’s not worth my time or energy to deal with ignorant folks.
8. Can you find me a (insert ethnicity) boyfriend/girlfriend?
If you’re interested in one of my single friends because you like them as a person, I’d gladly introduce you. If you’re just looking to date them because of their race or ethnicity, maybe try online dating. I just can’t with you. That’s all i have to say.
All in all, interracial dating isn’t easy. Dating, in general, isn’t easy. Either way, you have to work for the love you want and deserve. Date whomever you want because you admire, respect, and value that person for who they are on the inside. Not the color of their skin or ethnicity.
As always, if you need to talk, feel free to leave a comment here, drop me a DM, or head to the Facebook group. And tune into the podcast to listen to more conversations!
Lots of love xx